Odd One Out
by ThinkingCAPSLOCK
Summary: Sometimes it's the differences that make people the same.   Enter the strangely unifying power of candy apple oddities.
1. Apple 1

**Odd One Out – Chapter 1**

"Royal flush."

Groans circled the table.

"How do you manage to win _every time_?" John asked, throwing his cards into the pile.

"Magic," Dave replied.

"I think you're cheating," Rose said. "I just haven't figured out how. Please pull up your sleeves, if you would."

"Jegus, I'm not cheating. I'm just good at cards." Nevertheless, Dave obliged, pulling up his sleeves. "I used to play with Bro all the time. _He_ cheated. I just had to learn how to be better than him. I'm _better_ than a cheater."

"Hm. I don't quite believe that, Strider. Perhaps your iShades have some sort of x-ray property? Or ink recognition? I request that you—"

"Fuck's sake, Rose, I'm not taking off my fucking shades. I never take them off, we've been over this a hundred fucking times."

"Yes, not even while you sleep, I know." Rose rolled her eyes and tossed the cards into the pile. "Fine. I concede defeat."

"Good job, Dave!" Jade cheered. "You're a great card player. And for the record, I don't think you're cheating."

"I am the king of poker. I win all of the chips. All of them. I am the big man scoring cards." Dave took the rest of the cards and shuffled. "What do you want to play now?"

"How about Go Fish?" John suggested.

"Jegus, John, seriously. Go fish. Really."

"Why? What's wrong with Go Fish?"

"Fine, okay, Go Fish it is." Dave began to deal.

"I love this game!" Jade said, snatching up her cards with excitement. "No one will ever play it with me, though."

"Why not?" John asked.

"Oh shit," said Dave. "You know the pairs everyone has, don't you."

"I—I'll pretend not to, though!" Jade said. "Come on, guys, please?"

Dave shrugged, John just laughed and Rose gave a smirking smile.

"Hey, do you think the trolls type in their blood colour?" John asked suddenly, sorting through his cards.

"Where the hell did that come from," Dave said.

"I was talking to Karkat yesterday and he said something about it."

"Jegus, just ignore that fuckass."

"I can't do that, Dave! He's my friend."

"You have weird taste in friends."

"I know. I'm friends with you." John grinned a toothy grin.

Dave ignored the playful jab. "Why do you even care if that's what they do."

"Come on, Strider. Don't you have any curiosity regarding the culture norms of the aliens?" Rose asked. "This is really remarkable, if you think about it. We're talking to another intelligent species."

"I just don't understand why we're talking about it." Dave tossed a pair of cards into the little pile by his elbow. "Their blood. That's a goddamn creepy place to start."

"Because it's interesting, obviously. Not all of us are shallow," Rose said. "Also, blood seems to be very important to them."

"Besides, everything Karkat says is kind of funny. He argues with his past and future selves all the time! Do you do that, Dave?"

"Of course I don't. I'm a fucking wizard of cool. All mes are equally awesome, except Alpha Dave is a little cooler because he actually gets to fucking live."

"That's kind of…sad, Dave. Do you want to talk about that?" John asked. Dave glanced over. He looked pretty worried. Gogdammit.

"Not even a little bit," Dave replied. "Go fish."

"Tell us more about the trolls, then, John!" Jade said. She gave Dave an encouraging smile. He wasn't sure what to do so he left his face blank.

"Oh, well, I don't really know. It was sort of hypothetical. I'm not even sure if it's true. I mean, from what the others seem to say, Karkat doesn't write in his colour. I don't think they even know what his colour is."

"Terezi probably does," Dave said. "She can taste colours like they're fucking candy or something."

"Wouldn't that require licking him?" Rose asked. "Or his blood, rather?"

"I don't know, she can smell them, too. Don't ask me, I'm not a troll. I just know she has weirdass hyper colour senses."

"Did she tell you that? She's the only one you really talk to, correct?"

"Jegus, Rose. Why do you care who I talk to."

"I don't. I don't at all. It just helps me clarify the bigger picture."

"I don't know, she talks about sniffing or licking the fucking screen all the time like some kind of space slug. I've sort of just started ignoring it."

"She said that to me, too," John said.

"No, I understood that part. I'm wondering how you know her senses are good enough to know Karkat's colour without it being visible." Rose tapped the table with her fingers, thinking.

"Just believe me on that, okay. She knows things even you dumpasses don't."

"Oh? Like what?" Rose smiled, eyes twinkling with secretive curiosity.

"Like stuff. Jegus, Rose, it's been your turn forever, do something or pass."

"Jade, do you have an ace of spades?"

"Go fish!" said Jade. She was enjoying the game, even though she had to carefully balance the number of pairs she got against the number she "missed". She didn't want to win all the cards, though she easily could—that wouldn't be fun for everyone else!

"I wonder why Karkat would hide it," John said. "Isn't it a big deal in troll culture? Vriska was telling me something about the h…hero… I don't know, blood scale."

"Hemospectrum?" Rose suggested.

"Yeah, that."

"Maybe he's an anomaly," Rose said. "Or perhaps he's very low on the scale." She paused. "Or perhaps he's very _high_ on the scale, I suppose that could be a possibility, too."

"Jegus, maybe he just doesn't want people to know," Dave said, frowning. "Not everyone is so cool having everything out on the open."

"Yeah!" John grinned. "Not everyone is like Dave. They aren't all chill about everything."

Dave adjusted his sunglasses but didn't give rise to John's teasing.

"It's difficult to fathom, though. It seems to be a strange reason to dictate text colour," Rose said.

"Well, Rose, we're pretty strange, too! Our text is the same colour as our eyes, isn't it?" John laughed.

"Not everyone," Rose said. "Dave has red text."

"Oh, that's true." John chuckled. "Sorry, Dave! I forgot. That would have been weird, wouldn't it? Haha."

Dave folded his cards in his hand. "Yeah. Really weird."


	2. Apple 2

**Odd One Out – Chapter 2**

"Good morning, Mr. Grumpypants."

"Shut the fuck up."

"Did you sleep well? Hehehe."

"Terezi, you know very fucking well that I didn't sleep. And you better not have slept either, I fucking swear, I will—"

"You'll what? Decapitate me? Demoralize me? Hehehe."

Karkat rubbed at the dark bags under his eyes until they hurt. Everything hurt. "Fuck, Terezi. At least let me think of a great bulge-tingling threat before you hindfuck me with the shards of my own shattered thinkpan."

"Sorry, pupa." Terezi grinned, resting her hands on her canekind.

"Fuck."

"Is something troubling you, the great manly mantroll leader?"

"Stop calling me that, it's stupid. Everything is stupid."

Terezi chattered her unusual laugh. "Hehehe. Have a rough night?"

"You fucking know I have for fuck's sake."

"Oh, yes. I smelled the candy apples from down the hall. What dumbshit thing did you manage to do this time?" Terezi couldn't contain her glee. It was kind of worrying that there was so much blood, but at the same time…candy apples everywhere! It was too exciting.

"For fuck's sake, Terezi, I'm trying hard enough to get these moronic Hivesuckers to _not_ kill just fucking everyone everywhere all the fucking time without you reminding me what a fucking failure of a leader I am. Oh, and bringing up my weirdass hemoscale. Thanks for that. That was great." Karkat ground his teeth together.

"But I love candy apples."

"I fucking know that. You say it every other goddamn sentence like a psychotic Earth parrot on Alternian power pills."

"Personally, I think you are blowing this out of proportion. I don't think anyone cares as much as you think they do. You are our precious little leader, after all. Hehehe."

"Of course they fucking care, Terezi. Our entire gogdamn species is built on the fucking existence of the gape-gagging assfuck that is the hemospectrum."

Terezi paused, frowning. She tapped her glasses thoughtfully. "Maybe I should try that again."

"Why don't you fucking try that and see what happens?" Karkat snapped back.

"Karkat, only the douchey-douche highbloods really give a fuck about the hemospectrum. Just look at Tavros. He didn't seem to care."

"Oh, okay. I will look at the fucking outcast cripple as an idol in deciding how to act. Also he is dead. And no one cares. No one fucking cares that Vriska ripped our goddamn friend in half."

"Oh. Then maybe I should apologize for killing—"

"No. Gog. No. Sorry. I don't blame you, you were just… Fuck. I'm sorry. Are you happy? Are you fucking happy? Do you want me to get on my hands and knees and grovel like a discarded fucking wriggler for being the assholiest of the assholes? I have won awards for being a fucking purple-level idiot, thank you. Does that make you happy?"

"Well, I was just going to say it probably won't matter much longer anyway, since we are almost all gone. But yes, that was sort of funny." Terezi's thinkpan was starting to get a little bit blurry. There were too many candy apples everywhere. It was hard to smell where everything was.

"Fuck. Thank you for reminding me of that hideous personal failure. Yes. I have let almost all of us go on murderous fucking rampages and kill each other. I am just the best fucking leader anyone could have hoped for ever. Fuck."

"Would you like me to yell at past Karkat for you, then? Hehehe."

"No. Fuck. Why would you even bring that guy up? He is the worst fucking guy on the goddamn rock. Except for maybe future Karkat. He is an overwhelmingly stupid hornlicker."

Terezi tapped her canekind against the ground once. "I take offense to that." She really didn't, but it was always fun to dictate Karkat's mood swings.

"Fuck. Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm sure they taste like weirdass cheap carnival food like candy corn or some shit that you seem to like for some stupid reason."

"Candy corn is delicious."

"Look, Terezi, I'm busy here. Can you go bother someone else for a while? I need to just think for a while."

"Okay. I will go talk to Dave. Hehehe." Terezi knew that Dave was the perfect keyword around Karkat. That name never failed to get a rise out of him.

"Fuck. No. Don't go fucking talking to that fucking Strider human dipshit. He is the epitome of all that is waste-fed scum."

"He is pretty funny. He is a cool kid."

"No. No he fucking isn't. He's an asshole that thinks he is Gog because he wears fucking sunglasses at night like a stupid fuck douchebag."

Terezi grinned her widest grin. "Are you jealous? Hehehe."

"What, no, why would you think that, why would I be fucking jealous? You know what? Fine. Go talk to your stupid gnat-munching pink and flabby weakass human slime pustule."

"Well if you insist. Hehehe." Terezi started to turn to leave.

"No. Don't go. Fuck. Fine, stay here. Just—just don't lick anything. Don't lick me. Fucking please."

"But you are delicious. You smell like—"

"Fucking candy apples, yeah, I know. Thanks for reminding me about that _yet again_. It's great. It's totally subtle, too, no one else will ever guess what you are saying. They won't suddenly realize their leader is a freak-blooded bulgemongler of a pile of troll waste. Fantastic."

"Well, I am sure that if anyone comes by soon anyway, you won't need to worry about me letting slip. Hehehe.'

"Fuck. You're right. I'm bleeding out like a goddamn skewered human farm animal. Shit. How bad does it look? Is it really obvious?"

"I don't know, Karkat. I can't see. I'm blind." There was a special place in Terezi's pulsing aortic pump for making blind jokes at herself. They were great for making other people—especially Karkat—uncomfortable.

"For fuck's sake, Terezi, you know what I meant."

"Hehehe yes. It smells very strong. But I would be much more sure if I licked—"

"No. No, that is creepy and wrong and keep your goddamn tongue the hell away from me."

"If you say so. Hehehe."

"By the way, sure, don't ask me how this fucking happened. I'm sure you don't care that I'm withering away here or anything. Don't try and help me, I'm fucking fine, thanks for asking by the way. You make a great fucking lawyer."

"Do you want me to draw a chalk outline around you? I am good at that. I can get my scalemates to help conduct a thorough investigation." Terezi thought about how delicious her chalk would be right now. She was really in the mood for a good investigation, too.

"Fuck, Terezi, I already know what fucking happened. I just fought—for fuck's sake, you know what? Fine. Just do whatever the fuck you want."

"I was kidding."

"It sure as hell didn't fucking sound like you were kidding. Are you taking lessons in deadpan from that stupid asshole shit-eater kid you're so goddamn red for?"

"You can be a real dumpass sometimes." Terezi frowned. "And yes, Dave is teaching to me to be a cool kid."

"That's fucking fantastic. Make sure to have sloppy makeouts just right the fuck in front of me when you two meet, which I'm sure you fucking will because fuck my life."

"Hehehe. My nose detects severe jealousy. Is that true, Karkat?"

"Why don't you tell me, Ms. Magical Nostrilsnout? Aren't you supposed to have all the fucking answers?"

"Well, I was going to give you a chance but yes. I smell your jealousy and it is delicious also. And my nose _is_ magic, and not the fakey fake kind, it is a potent lie detector of awesome."

"Sure. Why don't we just go along with that for a while."

Terezi drummed her claws against the cherry head of the canekind. "I don't understand why you hate Dave so much. You two have a lot in common, you know. Hehehe."

"Oh, sure. We're both waxing red for a sadistic bulge-crusher of a troll who seeks only to ridicule and fucking debase her friends."

"Oh, you were aware of that? Hehehe."

"Fuck, Terezi. Just stop talking to that guy. I don't want anyone doing the fucking interspecies tango. Also no sloppy makeout orgies. I don't want to see that. No one wants to see that."

"I am just saying that maybe if you talked to him you would find some things out. Hehehe."

"No. That sounds fucking stupid and useless I am _never going to talk to that shit-smelling naked ape asshole_."

"Don't say never, Karkat. It will make past you sound like an idiot in the future."

"Fuck. Do you know something? Did you read something? Fuck, Terezi, don't talk to future me, that guy is a fucking asshole, you know that."

"Hehehe. Whatever you say, manly mantroll leader. Whatever you say."


	3. Apple 3

**Odd One Out – Chapter 3**

[gallowCalibrator has begun trolling turntechGodhead]

GC: H3Y COOLK1D!

TG: sup

GC: NOT MUCH 4CTU4LLY

GC: 1 THOUGHT 1 WOULD JUST CH3CK 1N ON MY F4VOUR1T3 H3RO

TG: thats great but i am kind of busy and all

TG: trying to pull this fucking sword out of this fucking piece of rock

TG: piece of shit

TG: it is the sword in the stone all up in here and i am fucking king arthur here to make shit happen

TG: that is

TG: if it would fucking come out

TG: which its not

GC: H4V3 YOU TR13D PUSH1NG 1T?

TG: no

TG: should i

GC: 1 DONT KNOW! H3H3H3

TG: …

TG: nothing happened

GC: NO 1 SUPPOS3 1T D1DNT! H3H3H3

TG: so you really didnt know

GC: NO 1 D1DNT!

GC: NOT 4T 4LL

GC: NOT 4LL OF US 4LW4YS S4Y TH3 OPPOS1T3 OF WH4T TH3Y M34N!

TG: helpful

TG: actually helpful

TG: full of help

TG: this isnt sarcasm by the way thats actually kind of refreshing

TG: especially after talking to rose

TG: this is a breath of spring fucking air

TG: i can smell the gogdamn flowers and porcupines and butterflies just all in my nostrils having a big refreshing party

GC: WH4T 4R3

GC: 4LL OF THOS3 TH1NGS 4CTU4LLY

GC: 4S1D3 FROM FLOW3RS

GC: 4SSUM3DLY TH4T 1S YOUR WORD FOR ST3NCHBLOSSOM

GC: 1T 1S 4 S1LLY WORD BY TH3 W4Y!

TG: uh

TG: never mind it doesnt matter you dont need to know

TG: ill just keep wasting awesome poetry on you and you will just never know

GC: TH4T W4S PO3TRY?

TG: no

GC: S33 TH1S 1S WH4T 1 M34N!

GC: M4YB3 1NST34D OF PR3T3ND1NG 3V3RY D4Y 1S OPPOS1T3 D4Y

GC: YOU SHOULD 4CTU4LLY S4Y WH4T YOU M34N ONC3 1N 4 WH1L3!

TG: why would i do that

TG: people have come to expect a certain level of cool irony from me and i hate to disappoint by suddenly being all honest

TG: what kind of world would that be

TG: pigs would fly and sheep would shit gold bricks

GC: OH SO L1K3 W1NG3D PORKB34STS?

TG: do you actually have those

GC: NO 1 W4S LY1NG

GC: 1 W4S B31NG L1K3 YOU

GC: 4M 1 COOL Y3T

TG: so fucking cool youll need a blowtorch just to scratch the surface

GC: H3H3H3 TH4NK YOU

GC: 4NYW4Y

GC: H4V3 YOU T4LK3D TO K4RK4T L4T3LY?

TG: who is that

TG: he sounds like an asshole

GC: HM W3LL Y3S H3H3H3

GC: H3 1S 4 FUNNY L1TTL3 NUBBY!

TG: that sounded kind of sexual

GC: WH4T 1S S3XU4L?

TG: ugh

TG: no

TG: im not falling for that again

GC: H3H3H3

TG: look im just going to go back to trying to pull out this fucking sword okay

GC: OK4Y H3RO! DO YOUR B3ST!

TG: im not a hero but okay sure yeah

GC: 1 W1LL CH3CK 1N 4G41N L4T3R!

TG: okay whatever

[gallowsCalibrator has ceased trolling turntechGodhead]

TG …

TG: fuck i broke it


End file.
